Responsibility
Episode 1, Season 6 of War. Enjoy! <3 Responsibility Kits. I'm going to have kits. Kits. kits KITS. My heart starts hammering and the medicine cat seems to realize he's done something very stupid. "I-I'm sorry, I thought you would have known." Between gasps,, I manage to ask, "How far along...?" "Not too long," the medicine cat perks, like he's about to be helpful. "You have about a moon and a half until you should kit. It's a long ways off." A long way off? He's not going to be the one...doing the....giving the... You know what, I'm just done. I turn and stalk out of the den with the medicine cat calling halfheartedly after me. I turn all my concentration to my stomach- they're there now, aren't they? I try to feel for them, wondering if there's some kind of secret psychic bond between a mother and her unborn kits. Everywhere I look there seem to be kittens. Playing with soldiers, wailing at the medicine den, getting food. I shiver and resist the urge to lay down and just have a good scream for a little while. I'm not nervous. I'm old enough, and I certainly love Gorsefur enough. It's just...it hurts. And I'm no good with kits. I wouldn't even know which end was the head. Plus, the others are going to make fun of me until the kits are warriors. My immediate reaction is to go find Gorsefur. But that would involve telling him, and quite frankly, I'm not actually sure I can talk. My mouth just keeps chewing air in shock. I must look like a fish. ...a pregnant fish. How did I not notice this? I mean...it's not like I've been gaining a ton of weight and throwing up all over everything. If I'm half a moon along, shouldn't I know? Somehow, I find myself standing in front of a huge, sunny den. It's not until I hear a high-pitched meow that I realize where I've wound up. "Brookfall! You came!" I look up in time to see a blur of blue streaking towards me. "Riverkit, don't!" My little brother skids to a halt just before he slams into my flank. StarClan, he's grown. Moons old, now, not days. "Why not?" he whines. "Are you scared that if we fight you'll loose?" "Yes," I sigh. "I'm afraid my moons of experience in the army will rend me helpless to your superior battle skills." Riverkit narrows his eyes suspiciously. He's old enough to detect sarcasm, but not if I hide it in big words. Finally he shrugs and resumes bouncing around. "I'm so glad you're here! Riverclaw's been so busy and he hasn't had any time to play with me!" I give a sympathetic purr, feeling curious and guilty at the same time. Does Riverkit know exactly why Riverclaw, the deputy, is busy all of a sudden? Waterstar's vigil is still going on, and I'll eventually have to go pay whatever respects I can scrounge up. And guilt because I kind of dumped Riverkit on Riverclaw while I went off to fight. Well, that's not strictly true. Riverclaw volunteered. I think he was lonely, with this big empty den and no one to share it with. He loves Riverkit like a son and I couldn't be more grateful. But if he becomes leader, I wonder if my little brother will be left in the dust. "I'm sure he's just busy," I finally say. "Yeah....oh, he did want to talk to you though!" Riverkit jumps up and down. "Come on!" Are all these kits inpatient? The innocent sarcastic remark turns sour as I realize I'm praying fervently not. I follow Riverkit. He navigates through a throng of busy cats, and they let him slide through like a fish. Like he's always been there. I instantly feel guilty for not visiting my brother more. Riverkit finally ducks into a small den. "Riverclaw?" I see the old tom talking to a few Starpaws, and I immediately feel unworthy as he turns his blue eyes on me. This is the future leader of WaterClan. This is the cat who trained Badgerstrike. This cat is, by all rights, the most important cat in WaterClan. I dip my head, scarcely breathing. "Riverkit! I'm so sorry, I know I was going to play with you this afternoon, but I was busy." He looks up noticing me. "And you brought Brookfall! What a pleasant surprise!" "It's a pleasant to see you too," I wince. "I mean, a pleasure. Sorry, I've had...a long day." Riverclaw doesn't make a snarky remark about how it's barely sunhigh, he just nods understandingly. "I'm sure. Would you care to eat with me? I have something important to discuss with you." "Of course," I squeak, suddenly wondering if having kits while you're meant to be on a squad is illegal. Riverclaw whispers something to Riverkit, and my brother lights up as he runs off. Giving me an easy smile, Riverclaw leads me over to a shady clearing with a few stumps and logs scattered about. A few other cats are eating there, but they give us a respectable distance as we grab some prey and sit down. "Is this about Riverkit?" I ask, too nervous to eat my vole. Vole, is apparently healthier then other foods. I'm going to be a nervous wreck for the next moon and a half. "I'm terribly sorry I've left him with you for so long-" Riverclaw shakes his head fondly, "Riverkit is like my own kit," he purrs. "It's been my pleasure to watch him. This conversation is about him, to be sure, but probably not in the way you're thinking." I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or worried. Riverclaw takes a small bite of fish, chews, swallows, then meows, "I want to ask your permission to train Riverkit as my apprentice." Gorsefur looks at me, "You okay?" I nod, but I can imagine how unconvincing it looks. I walked by the river on the way back to the den. My fur was matted on one side, my eyes haunted. I looked like a cat who just watched all her friends die, not someone who just was told she was pregnant and her little brother could be a leader's apprentice. "So we leave tomorrow?" Stormflight asks. Gorsefur nods, and I remember we're talking about our next mission- some easy discouraging of a FireClan squad that's gotten too friendly with the border. I look at my vole- my second vole- and pray no one talks to me. I need to think. Riverclaw, sensing I was shocked, told me to take some time to think. Riverkit and I played for a bit, and then I came back here. Everyone fretted about my injuries, reminding me that I was in the medicine den in the first place to get some cobwebs and poultices. I quickly answered all their questions, then hid in the den until we ate. "Alright, so, let's play Would You Rather...?, okay?" Grayleaf says excitedly. He recently discovered it while working with some other medicine cats. Apparently it works well to keep them awake when they need to watch critical patients. He introduced it to us and slowly got everyone else addicted. "I'll go first!" Stormflight said impatiently. "Oakclaw, would you rather fight a fox or a snake?" We all groan. The only downside of the game is that a certain pair of warriors constantly use it to show how masculine they are. Oakclaw thinks, then says, "Fox. Harder." Adderscar snorts. "No it's not. A snake has more mobility and can strike quicker. You need brains and skills, not just-" "Snowflight," Oakclaw interrupts. "Would you rather eat yarrow or...fish?" We all snicker as Snowflight's nose wrinkles. You can take the she-cat out of FireClan, but you can't take the FireClan out of the she-cat. "I would starve," she finally says. "No fair!" Stormflight laughs. "Fine! Yarrow. You sadistic creatures," her mouth is twisted up in a grin despite her words. "Shadowsong, would you rather...break your leg or have to take care of someone's kit for a moon?" "Break my leg, definitely," Shadowsong replies easily. "I can't imagine anything more boring than-" "Excuse me," I meow quickly, running off. I hear pawsteps after me, and not until I get to the river do I turn to see Gorsefur. "Brookfall, what's wrong?" he asks. His golden eyes are so concerned, so sweet, I want to tell him. But I'm still panicking. "I...Riverclaw asked me if Riverkit could be his apprentice." Gorsefur's eyes got big. "Seriously? That's huge! What are you going to say?" "I don't want to say anything!" I wail. "I mean, I do, but...I just don't want to make the wrong decision. What if I ruin his entire life? Why should I get all this responsibility? I don't deserve it!" "Brookfall, you're one of the most responsible cats I know," Gorsefur murmurs, curling around me comfortingly. "I can't imagine you making a decision that could hurt Riverkit." "But he could get hurt," I whisper. "If he becomes leader...what if he has to go to battle? What if he gets attacked? What if he gets sick?" "Why would being leader affect him getting sick?" Gorsefur asks, puzzled. I realize I might be talking about another problem and cover quickly. "Nothing. Just worrying." "He'll have nine lives," Gorsefur meows. "That doesn't make it okay!" I say hotly. Gorsefur sighs, "I'm not saying it does. But it's not like you're sending him out to battle without his claws." I'm silent. Then, finally, I force myself to ask, "Gorsefur, have you ever thought about...kits?" "Kits?" he blinks, like he's forgotten what they are. Then he nods. "Yes." "And?" "And...I want them. With you," he nudges me. "You'd be a great mother, I'd probably not screw up too badly...but not until you're ready." He blinks, "Do you think I'm pressuring you or something?" "No!" I say quickly. "Just...worrying about Riverkit. I'm practically his mother now and I just..." my voice drops to a whisper. "It's scary." "Brookfall!" Gorsefur purrs a little, but he presses closer against me. "What's so scary?" "What if he gets hurt? What if something happens to him? What if something happens to me and I can't take care of him? What if I do everything wrong and he grows a second tail because I feed him all the wrong food?" Laughing, Gorsefur meows, "You think most mothers worry about these things?" "I'm not a mother," I correct sharply. "...at least not yet." Gorsefur nods, probably thinking I'm talking about the future. If only he knew how close that future was. "Well..." he said, slowly. "Maybe my mother could help you? Or a queen? I dunno." I nod, closing my eyes. I think of Riverkit. How he's the only thing I have left, how he's my little brother, my responsibility. How if I ever let anything happen to him, I'd never forgive myself. How I felt when Thundercloud kidnapped him...if he were leader, he would always be in situations as dangerous as that. But then I think of how hard he tried to catch my tail when we were playing. How his eyes lit up when Riverclaw told him they would practice fighting later. How he hung onto Riverclaw's every word and even the speeches of the important cats around him. How, even at a few moons old, his eyes were starting to take on an intelligent gleam. This isn't fair, I think. How can any mother stand to do this? I stood in front of Riverclaw's den. It was a few hours before we had to get ready to go out on a mission, and I was terrified that something would happen to me, something that would hurt the kits. You haven't been seriously hurt during most missions, I tell myself as I wait impatiently. After what seems like moons, Riverclaw finds me, "Do you have an answer?" His blue eyes remind me of Riverkit's and I bite the inside of my cheek, thinking about how similar they are. If what I'm about to do is right. "Riverclaw...I would be honored to have my little brother become your apprentice," I forced the words out, feeling strangely empty when they were gone. Half wanting to snatch them back, half glad they're gone. "I'll tell him tonight!" Riverclaw looks a little sad, "I know you have to leave...otherwise I would invite you to come..." "It's fine," I say, quickly. Riverclaw gives me an affectionate lick on the cheek, "Come visit when you can," he tells me before vanishing. "Yeah," I say softly, to empty air. By the time I get back to the den, everyone's scarfing down traveling herbs and complaining. "Did you actually put some yarrow in my herbs?" Snowflight asks Oakclaw. "You'll have to wait and see!" I hear the sound of her paw whopping him and the purrs of all of them. But otherwise I'm entirely focused on Gorsefur, who is sticking his tongue out at the taste of the herbs. He looks so young and carefree... I slide up to him. "Gorsefur?" He turns around, quickly surprising my by touching his nose to mine. "Hey!" "We have to talk." His eyes darken and I realize what usually follows when someone says that. "No, not like that! It's good!" I promise. He immediately looks relieved and I silently berate myself for being an idiot. We pad off towards the river today. It's calmer today, content. Easy going. "So?" he asks. I take a deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. "Gorsefur...we're going to have kits." "I wonder why they're taking so long," Stormflight grumbled. "Oakclaw, did you seriously put yarrow in this?" Snowflight asked frantically. The golden tom shrugged and Snowflight groaned, leaning back. Stormflight gave her a comforting lick, but his whiskers were twitching. "We should be leaving soon..." Adderscar fretted. "Relax," Shadowsong said lazily. She was tracing pictures in the dirt. "They're probably just making out or something." There was a crackling in the bushes and everyone stood up. "Finally," Stormflight muttered. The rest of the squad could hear as Gorsefur and Brookfall approached, laughing and whispering giddily. There were a few groans- everyone was sick of the starry-eyed couple being so moony. "StarClan," Adderscar muttered, voicing all their thoughts. "You'd think they were having kits." Category:Artimas Hunter's Fanfics